You won't get the time back after reading this stuff, you'll feel slightly soiled too, but that won't stop you, will it?

TV motor racing pundit and ex-F1 supermo Eddie Jordan and noted authoress and socialite Jordan are rumoured to be collaborating on a range of monogrammed, retro-fit airbags. A ‘friend’ said; ‘they’re aiming for the lad’s mag market, and want to promote the airbags, which will be pink with lacy trimmings, under the brand name ‘Jordan! Tits up.’


Fascinating personality Kim Kardashian is said to be launching a range of Kim Kardash dashboard figurines of herself. The Grumpy Old Drivers was unable to confirm this story by not asking anyone if it was true, as we have nothing else to fill this space if it isn’t.


Famous Australian confectioners Wangyerdonga is said to be readying a ‘he’ll fill your face’ range of Jeremy Clarkson-themed gobstoppers. ‘Down Under we’re all suckers for Jeremy, ‘ said spokesman Jay Walker.


Clarkson isn’t the only motoring pundit in the confectionary news crosshairs. According to Brian Standpipe, hard candy markets analyst for trade publication Sweets and Sweetmen (incorporating Liquorice Vendor News) veteran motor racing commentator Murray Walker could be coaxed out of retirement to become brand ambassador for Murray Mints. ‘They’ve obviously been inspired by the classic Werther’s Original ads, but want a quick fire, racier edge,’ said Standpipe.


Channel 5 has yet to comment on speculation that it plans to launch a family history series genetically linking celebrities called ‘Whose In Your Genes?’ or that Lewis and Andy Hamilton are being lined up for the first episode.